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Posts filed under 'Lindsay Lohan'

New Stills From Machete Bring the Terror Hotties

I’m still having a hard time believing that both Jessica Alba and Lindsay Lohan will be involved in the upcoming release of Machete, but the stills emerging from the production do nothing but serve as further reminders that it is indeed true.

Just in case you need a plot recap, a former Federale (Mexican national police officer) goes off on a brutal campaign of slaughter and bloodshed in a bid to take revenge on the organization that betrayed him.

Frankly, the thought of Lindsay Lohan playing a gun-toting lunatic socialite just fills me with warm fuzzies like no tomorrow.  I’m actually pretty excited for this one and only hope that it doesn’t take too much longer to get here than its planned release date of “sometime in 2010″.  This should be just entirely too good–and entirely too terror hottie laden–to miss.

Lindsay Lohan To Appear in Machete

I know, I just gave away all the suspense on that one with the title, but man, if that’s not the freakiest news item you’ve heard lately then you must travel in a whole lot weirder circles than I do.

Seriously, did anyone ever see the day coming when Lindsay Lohan was going to either 1. share the screen with Robert De Niro (yeah, he’s in Machete too!) or 2. go scream queen?

I never saw it coming, but I’ll tell you this, I’m definitely looking forward to seeing how it turns out.  It’d be kind of nice if Lindsay could get the stink of I Know Who Killed Me off her resume, even though I have not clue one what drove Robert Rodriquez to think this was a good idea.

I still project it’ll at least be fun to watch, though, and hope it’ll turn out for the best when it hits theatres sometime in 2010.

Lindsay Lohan: I Know Who’s Not A Manson Girl Any More

This may well not surprise anyone, but I’m honor-bound to discuss it because it is horror movie news featuring a hot chick.  If, of course, you’re into cokeheads.  That’s right—Lindsay Lohan, making the horror movie news yet again because she has been officially detached from the upcoming Manson Girls film.  Oh, sure…to hear her tell it, it’s because she’s got so much on her plate right now that she can’t possibly do one more thing, but according to the agents around Manson Girls?  It’s because they can’t get any name stars to work with her!

Maybe they’re afraid of having their clothing stolen mid-shoot….

Like I said, not much of a surprise, but Lindsay Lohan’s career going down in a slow spiral of flames has a certain justice to it, given how badly she botched I Know Who Killed Me.

You may know who killed you, Lindsay, but we know who killed your career.

Lindsay Lohan: I Know Who (Probably) Stole My Clothes

Now, we can begin laughing.  Really, we can laugh ourselves stupid.

Just-barely terror hottie and Class-A train wreck Lindsay Lohan—whom you’ll remember from the horror movie that was only scary if you were forced to sit through it at knifepoint I Know Who Killed Me—is apparently taking up a new line of work.

Kleptomania.

This is the second time in a month Lindsay Lohan has been accused of—of all things–stealing clothing at parties.  The first time, she allegedly walked off with an eleven thousand dollar fur coat.  The second one is much more complex.

After model Lauren Hastings finished hosting a party, she went back to her bedroom to discover that her closets had been emptied, and thus suspected Lindsey Lohan, who was, you know, already involved in one earlier.

Naturally Lohan denied everything harder than George Dubya under oath, and Los Angeles County prosecutors refuse to handle it citing lack of evidence.  So we have no idea, but I wouldn’t put it past her.

Lindsay Lohan, Manson Girl

Lindsay Lohan carries on her baffling string of acting titles as she segues into being one of Charles Manson’s “Family” members.  This time, she’s about to play Nancy Pitman in the film “Manson Girl”.  Though Pitman wasn’t involved in the Manson Family Killings, she was a part of Manson’s “Family”, and later became part of the Aryan Brotherhood and was convicted of being an accessory to murder.

Though I’ll confess, I’m amazed this woman keeps getting roles of any kind.  She’s been proven already as an unreliable psychotic who can’t act.  Don’t believe me?  Try and sit through I Know Who Killed Me without fast forwarding!  Try it!  You can’t!

But then we’re not just here to celebrate talented, hot chicks who can act, no sir!  We’re here to celebrate hot chicks of ALL types!  Including the ones with no talent!  And the ones who can’t act!  And the ones who aren’t necessarily all that hot but can act and / or have talent.  And that’s why I spent the last couple minutes talking about Lindsey Lohan, newfound terror hottie.

Lindsay Lohan Won’t Touch Eli Roth

 

From the “How Sad Is THIS Shit??” Department comes a tale of woe and sorrow–but from who, I can’t say just yet.

Apparently, horror schlockmeister in the making Eli Roth (the man’s seriously planning to do a movie about and consisting of fake trailers.  That’s just asinine unless it’s going straight to video.)  was out clubhopping one night when who should walk in but Lindsay “Firecrotch” Lohan?  Anyway, Lindsay, who’s with a friend, walks by Eli’s booth where Eli’s having drinks with a friend of his own.  The fact that Eli Roth has friends is somewhat dubious but I’m prepared to accept the benefit of the doubt.  Lindsay then walks by Roth’s booth a second time, mutters to her friend “too old”, and then keeps walking.

Wow…even “Firecrotch” Lohan has taste enough to turn down Eli Roth.  I heard this one second-hand and I’m laughing myself stupid.  How far down the rankings are you when not even Lindsay fucking Lohan (pun not intended, but man, is it a good one!), who has been photographed making out with total strangers, won’t give you a third look?

Ah well, don’t feel too bad, Eli…maybe after your latest shitheap of a movie comes out you’ll have name ranking enough to try again!

Lindsay Lohan as Alice

Now here’s one you’re just plain not going to believe. We’re already somewhat crying foul over Lindsay Lohan’s induction into the horror hottie game thanks to that miserable piece of wet garbage “I Know Who Killed Me”. The big, almost Shyamalan-esque twist to the whole story is that apparently she likes horror movies. In fact, she likes them SO much that she’s plotting to keep moving in that direction.

To that end, she’s gunning for a role in Tim Burton’s upcoming Alice in Wonderland adventure.

When I first heard that my jaw just dropped. I mean, the hell? That’s exactly what Alice in Wonderland needs, you know—an Alice who has more complicated hallucinations on a normal Thursday afternoon than Lewis Carroll had in his ENTIRE CAREER. She’ll wind up fighting the caterpillar-thing for a shot at the hookah and then she’ll probably get pissed when she finds out there’s nothing but steam coming out of it.

That’s a picture to put on the box art—begrudged horror hottie Lindsay Lohan wild-eyed with frustrated rage in full Alice regalia, dress and polished Mary Janes and crinoline galore, clutching a hookah pipe in one white-knuckled hand while screaming into the frame: “There’s supposed to be HASH in these things!! Where is the HASH!?”

But anyway, she’s still a horror hottie, like it or not, and she’s going for the Tim Burton. Oh, the parodies that could spawn….