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Posts filed under 'Megan Fox'

Megan Fox To America–It’s YOUR Fault Jennifer’s Body Tanked!


(Megan Fox)

She may be a terror hottie, folks, but one thing is clear–Megan Fox has a vastly better body than she does a brain in that empty little head of hers, because she’s convinced that the reason Jennifer’s Body tanked is because you’re too damn stupid to get it.

Check out this colossal idiot’s newest screed:

“The movie is about a man-eating, cannibalistic lesbian cheerleader, and that pretty much eliminates middle America. It’s obviously a girl-power movie, but it’s also about how scary girls are. Girls can be a nightmare.”

Wait…so…Middle America didn’t want to see cannibal lesbian cheerleaders?  Um…that’s pretty much ALL Middle America wants in its movies.  Look, we love our scary movies out here in flyover country, but the problem here wasn’t that we didn’t get it, Megan, the problem was…

…brace yourself…

JENNIFER’S BODY SUCKED SOUR FROG ASS ON A SCALE SO EPIC IT SHOULD HAVE COLLAPSED THE EARTH.

That’s why your movie tanked.  Because Diablo Cody can’t write in fucking ENGLISH if her hair were on fire and the only way to get a bucket of water was to file a written request. Because Karyn Kusama apparently thinks that EVERY FUCKING MOVIE IS JUNO and she acted accordingly.  Because YOU PERSONALLY, Megan, are a second rate actress who’s only doing movies because, somehow, you got in Transformers.  And from what I hear about a videotaped car wash audition you did for Michael Bay I got a couple pretty good explanations for THAT one!

There you go.  It’s not Iowa’s fault you tanked, Megan.  It’s Diablo’s. And Karyn’s.

And yours.

Jennifer’s Body Gets Early DVD Release Date


(Megan Fox)

Okay, so it’s not exactly much of a surprise that Jennifer’s Body, featuring a confused bunch of terror hotties like Megan Fox, Amanda Seyfried and director Karyn Kusama, who were pretty much exclusively confused because of their leader, terror hottie Diablo Cody, did NOT do what you’d call super well at the box office.

So it’s not really much MORE of a surprise to find out that they’re going to try their luck at the video store a little ahead of schedule.  Like REALLY ahead of schedule.

Try December 29th early.

It really doesn’t surprise me, given the dismal showing they had, that they’d want to try the home video market a whole lot sooner than expected.  Frankly, I doubt they’ll do much better on video.

Scream Awards Best Sci-Fi Actress: Is This Some Kind of Joke?


(Megan Fox)

Okay, I don’t know who’s running the Scream Awards, but for crying out loud.  Giving Megan Fox a Best Actress award…that’s just not right.  Megan Fox isn’t an actress!  She’s a SET PIECE!  Seriously, what did she do for the Transformers series besides provide yet another lure for the target market?  She sure didn’t ACT!  I don’t even know what you call what she did but it definitely wasn’t acting.

When you consider that both Eliza Duskhu and Lena Headey were available, both prime terror hotties each, to hand over the Scream Award to a quasi-functional mannequin like Megan Fox is either a joke or an insult.  Maybe it’s both.  Maybe it’s an insulting joke in the style of Michael Richards’ infamous stand up comedy night.

Either way, it’s not good news for the legions of us who can’t get enough of the terror hotties, and I’m sure by the time I’ve worked my way down the list, I’ll have plenty more outrages to discuss.  Stick around!

Jennifer’s Body Forcing Pandorum To Change Schedule?

Behold the power of the terror hottie, folks–because to the various suits at the top of the food chain, one thing has become abundantly clear:  there’s no way Dennis Quaid and Pandorum is going to be able to match the box-office draw power of Megan Fox and Jennifer’s Body.

Okay, I know that I’ve given Jennifer’s Body a lot of flack over the weeks and months, mostly because I don’t think that writer Diablo Cody could write her way out of a soggy paper sack as evidenced by the crap storm she unleashed in our general direction with Juno as well as early looks at the script for Jennifer’s Body itself.  But one thing is clear–you get a terror hottie involved and it will, hands down, be a bigger draw than a horror flick without one.  Which one will be the better film remains to be seen, and will remain so until September when they both hit theatres.

But that terror hottie punch is not a thing to take lightly.  The executives in charge of Pandorum sure seem to understand this.

Megan Fox Gives Us Early Rundown on Jennifer’s Body


(Megan Fox)

Terror hottie Megan Fox has recently gone on record, doing an interview about her finally upcoming film Jennifer’s Body, which is now slated to hit theatres September 18th. Of course, she’s talking it up a blue streak, raving about the work of semi-literate scriptwriter Diablo Cody and director Karyn Kusama, but can it hold up under actual viewing?

I’ll be honest with you–considering the pile of cinematic misery that was Juno, and the early looks I’ve had at the script for Jennifer’s Body, it’s not looking good. Oh, sure, you can take Fox’s word for it that Jennifer’s Body is going to be more of a black comedy than any actual horror movie. That’s a possibility, and if you look at Jennifer’s Body in that light maybe it won’t be a complete waste of time and film. But as a horror movie, I just don’t trust Diablo Cody to come out with a horror script, unless of course you count the fact that it’s scary that she even has a career in the first place.

We’ll have to outlast the summer to see how this one goes down, folks–I’m reserving judgment until then but it’s definitely not looking good for the kid.

Yeah, Not A Chance, Fanboy

For those of you who may have heard that Megan Fox was poised to take the role of Buffy in the new iteration of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, I hate to break it to you, but if you weren’t laughing at this one you should have been.  The producers themselves are actually going so far as to say that the whole thing is one hundred percent, no uncertain terms, bushwah.

Would it be such a bad thing, of course, if Megan were to take the helm as Buffy and go out killing vampires?  I’m of two minds on that one, myself.  Oh, sure, they don’t call her The Foxiest just as a clever play on her last name—not that that’s not a large part of it—but does she have the chops to take a lead role that only peripherally involves her being eye candy?  Could she hack being the big vampire slayer?   Could she stake her career on a solid performance?  Can I bring in any more puns?

The point remains that, at least for now, there’s no way this is happening.

Megan Fox Carries On With Jonah Hex

Say what you will about terror hottie Megan Fox’s upcoming Jonah Hex movie romp, but one thing is certain—they went all out on the costuming.  Seriously—they really got a fairly authentic looking costume for Megan Fox, as is evidenced by recently released pictures from the set.

Of course none of this means anything without a half-decent plot, and considering that the plot involves John Malkovich raising an army of undead Confederate soldiers (a plot that’s already been done before but bears much, MUCH further exploration), we may just be onto something here that doesn’t require Megan Fox’s costume to succeed.

We’ll have to wait until August 2010 to find out, though, and until then, well, I’m looking forward to it.  This could be a real winner, and it’s always good when a comic book movie manages to be a worthwhile movie.

Jennifer’s Body Gets An Even Better Look

New images are steadily making their way to the public’s attention about the upcoming Megan Fox title Jennifer’s Body.  This is actually a good sign, because for a while there was some doubt as to whether or not this would make it out.  There were those who thought that would be a good thing, being as this is a Diablo Cody horror movie, after all.  But no—new images suggest movement in the production, so Diablo Cody anti-fans, sad new for you all.  The images, by the way, show there’s going to be PLENTY of blood in this one, so if you’re a gore fan and can stand Diablo Cody, you’re in a good position right now.

The plot, in cause you’ve forgotten, is all about a cheerleader possessed by a demon who uses her sexuality to draw victims and bleed them dry.  It’s left to said cheerleader’s mousy friend to save the local boys from a fate…um…only slightly better than death.

Jennifer’s Body exposes itself to us in theatres September 18th.

Megan Fox Getting Her Horror Western On

Seems we’ve got a new bit of casting data on the upcoming Jonah Hex movie–Megan Fox will be joining the cast and lending a note of terror hottie bliss to the proceedings.  She’ll be playing Leila, the gun-toting love interest of titular main character Jonah Hex.

Not exactly the best news, but at least it’ll help throw a bit of spark under the otherwise flagging production.  I love zombies in my western just as much as the next guy, but another movie with John Malkovich as a scenery-chewing bad guy?  I got enough of THAT in Eragon, thanks.  And yes, I saw Eragon.  I was dying to know if it was as bad as everyone claimed it was.  Short answer, yes.  Long answer, same as the short but it involves profanity. And lots of it.

It’s really kind of sad that the best they could’ve done for Megan Fox is tacking her on in the love interest slot, but I suppose it’s better than nothing.  Would’ve loved to see her doing the villain role–now THAT would’ve been sweet.

Finally, The Date Is Set


(Megan Fox)

Okay, folks–the latest Megan Fox / Diablo Cody movie waiting to spring itself on us, Jennifer’s Body, has oh-ficially given us a launch date!

We will be able to see this little beauty in theatres September 18, 2009.

Now, I confess that I’m a little concerned about this one going in. First, I’m not very enthused about Diablo Cody’s writing skills. Oh, sure, everyone and his mother tells me she’s amazing, but frankly, after watching Juno, I’ve got more red flags up than a mailbox factory quality control department. And the plotline–cheerleader possessed by demons becomes boy-hungry (literally!) and her mousy little best friend has to stop her rampage before she turns all the boys in the class into appetizers–is just as worrisome.

I guess we’ll all get to see how this turns out soon enough, but I remain unconvinced. Hopefully Jennifer’s Body has more than good looks going for it.

Take a Second And Go Get A Towel

 

Believe me, you’ll need it. You’ll be weeping uncontrollably in about fifteen seconds.

Megan Fox’s nude scene in Jennifer’s Body…has been CUT.

I know, it’s a tragedy. Let’s face it—we were all hoping for a shot of that to take home, but man…it’s still a heartbreaker.

Well, there’s plenty of consolation, though. The plot should still at least be entertaining—it’s all about a cheerleader possessed by a demon who leads our cheerleader to start “feeding” on the bodies of the various enrapt boys chasing Jennifer around, and only Jennifer’s “bookish” best friend can put a stop to the bloody madness.

Megan Fox is still in it, and word is there will also be a lesbian make-out scene involved so it’s not as though this is a total loss. But still, a sad note has just been plucked on the great harp of horror cinema, and we’re all just slightly worse off for it.

 

Megan Fox Doesn’t Do Math Well

 

Megan Fox, terror hottie and the hot chick bent over an engine from Transformers, has revealed to MTV that, somehow, Transformers 2 will be “ten times as big”.

Now, for this to be literally true, Transformers 2 would require a shooting budget of one point five billion dollars. Yeah, that’s with a B, as in bull…honkery.  Transformers, you see, clocked in at one hundred and fifty million dollars for shooting, ten times that, you get one point five billion.  Not a chance in, as one of my favorite Family Guy lines goes, blood-gutted pus-spewing hell.

Oh, sure…she’s got some logic here.  She’s claiming the “ten times” figure comes from the number of set pieces, and acrobatic stunts, and explosions.  And indeed, they’ve managed to replicate a French thoroughfare for the elder Witwickys’ vacation scenes in Paris, but ten times?

Frankly, I don’t think she’s studied things so closely that she can apply the exact number of explosions and acrobatic stunts.  I think she’s just gibbering blindly to MTV, who isn’t exactly a bastion of journalistic integrity to begin with.  Well, either way, we’ll find out fairly soon—Transformers 2 rapes our childhood memories sometime next year, they claim.

Megan Fox Topless!

A new chunk of information for you, folks–and it’s a real good news / bad news sort of scenario. First, remember when I filled you in on Jennifer’s Body? That new one from Diablo Cody, the chick who wrote Juno? Well, the good news is that lead actress Megan Fox will be performing topless through a piece of it.

Okay, I’ll let the hoots and screams of joy die down, because there’s bad news attached to it.

This development increases the likelihood that Jennifer’s Body is going to suck even harder than anyone gave it credit for. When you couple this news alongside the early script reviews for Cody’s script, you’ve got a bad script that’s desperately looking for ways to distract the audience. And Megan Fox’s rack is a pretty serious distraction tool.

Any time a movie trots out boobs, it’s a pretty good sign that the movie itself isn’t going to be real pleasant or entertaining. So a movie with a bad script that’s counting on boobs to pull it out of the Complete Waste of Time Gulag generally knows it doesn’t have a lot working for it. Which means, more than likely, Jennifer’s Body is going to suck.