TERROR HOTTIES

The following is a spectacularly stupid idea.

You know…when you’ve got Daveigh Chase reprising her role in a sequel to a movie that probably never should have been released, there’s not much worse you can do to it.  Well, somehow, the folks behind S. Darko managed to figure out how to tear the bottom off the barrel and start digging, because they’re adding some talent.

I use the term talent loosely, of course, because their projected additions are Briana Evigan and…brace yourselves…

…Elizabeth Berkley.

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For a little while there, we could count Claire Danes as a terror hottie, what with her involvement in Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines and then her slated involvement in Terminator: Salvation, but no longer.  The lovely Claire Danes has been ejected from Terminator: Salvation due to a scheduling conflict and the role has been taken up by Bryce Dallas Howard.

Which I confess leaves me a little cold.  Being a fella who came of age in the nineties I’m amply familiar with Claire Danes and her so-called life but Bryce Dallas Howard is a little different.  I had to trot over to the IMDB to find out what she was even in because nothing sprang to mind readily.  Then I found out she was in both “The Village” and “Spider-Man 3″ and that explained everything.

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Any time you can get the always-lovely Tiffany Shepis, ass-kicker extraordinaire, involved in a movie there’ll be at least one major redeeming feature to it.  Namely, her performance.

Seriously, the addition of Tiffany Shepis to even the lousiest movies–and here I am looking at Scare Crow–can add a bright spot of sheer fun and joy that you’ll forget just how deeply flawed the rest of the movie is.  It’s like a twenty-carat diamond in a setting of rusted scrap iron: who cares how bad the rest of it is because there’s that huge freaking rock right in the center of it.

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Everybody remember when I talked about Grace Lee’s American Zombie, and said that it might not get out of the film festival circuit?  Well, as it turns out, my projections were very much wrong as American Zombie has been picked up for distribution and will be going direct to video July eighth.

This is, as far as I’m concerned, just fantastic news.  Grace Lee’s American Zombie gives us a psuedo-documentary style look at four zombies in particular who are fighting for their place in the sun.  There’s Ivan, a convenience store clerk who wants to break into publishing; Lisa, a florist who wants to break into her own fornix and get her memories of her life pre-zombie back; Judy, a hopeless romantic who’s probably finding it tough to get guys when all she can do is think about their brains…and how they taste; Joel, lastly, is a political activist out lobbying for the rights of the Zombie-American, which ostensibly includes the right to chow down on the occasional homeless person or runaway or possibly convicted felon.

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Seems like the inevitable refuge of the porn star who wants to go legitimate is horror, and this has given us some interesting casting choices over the years.  New to the list–and newfound terror hottie!–is porn star Sasha Grey, who won the female performer of the year award for the Adult Video Network’s 2008 awards and was involved in better than eighty porn flicks.

She’ll be starring in “Smash Cut”, where she’ll be a TV news personality gone undercover as–surprise, surprise!–an ACTRESS in a horror film to find the killer of her older sister, who was a stripper.

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When “The Cell” first came out, I was somewhat nonplussed. It was a little too “visually stunning” at the cost of having what the industry refers to as a “coherent plotline”, so it fell on my Meh pile without a whole lot of ceremony.  They tried and they failed, they had me and they lost me, pick your pejorative.  Well, now they’re going to try it again with the appropriately named “The Cell 2″.

Featuring terror hottie Tessie Santiago among others, it’s the story of Maya,  a psychic investigator on the trail of a superpowered serial killer named The Cusp who kills his victims over and over and over again by bringing them back to life, probably in their minds, making him some kind of superpowered and even more sadistic Freddy Krueger.  The interesting part?  Tessie was The Cusp’s first victim, and she got her psychic powers following a one-year coma she found herself in after her encounter with The Cusp.

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So Tura Satana, long-ago terror hottie, will be coming back and lending her voice to her classic role of Varla from Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! to Rob Zombie’s upcoming animated slushpile The Haunted World of El Superbeasto.

Which of course leaves me cold–I say that Zombie has all the writing and directorial skills of a bowl of chocolate pudding but with none of the appetizing qualities.  Leave aside for a minute his music, which all sounds vaguely similar and all reminds me of a nursing home choir whose members all had a simultaneous high-speed stroke in the middle of Ave Maria, but it’s his film capabilities that we’re concerned with.

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September 19th may not be a really hot day–once you get into mid-September the weather sort of starts to realize that it’s getting close to fall and begins to act accordingly–but it’s likely to be at least close enough chronologically to hot weather that you’ll remember what hot feels like. Which is why you’ll be happy to hear that terror hottie Kate Beckinsale is going to cool us all down with a thriller at the bottom of the world in “Whiteout”.

Beckinsale will star as Carrie Stetko, the only U.S. Marshal in Antarctica, and she’s landed with both feet into the continent’s first ever murder. This happens three days before winter, and so Carrie’s got to find and apprehend the killer before the entire continent is plunged into pitch blackness and she’s stranded for months with the killer.

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Julie Delpy’s come back to take another crack at a terror hottie state of mind by getting involved with The Countess, a promo trailer for which was just released at Cannes.  It is indeed about the Countess Bathory who went completely wackjob nuts at a young age and spent her time bathing in the blood of virgins to keep herself from getting prematurely old–the actual synopsis is huge and detailed–and will detail her life and marriage and descent into madness and ultimately death.

Many of you are right reaching for pitchforks and torches because you remember a little movie called Stay Alive in which the blood-bathing Countess reared her ugly head and Frankie Muniz once again proved that he can’t make a movie unless his role calls for him to play the only part he knows–a weaselly little smartass who relates much better to machines than people just like he’s played since Malcolm In the Middle finally boiled off into its inevitable syndication.

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Ivana Baquero teams up with Kevin Costner to give us some terror hottie goodness in Gold Circle’s upcoming film “The New Daughter”.

Following a nasty divorce, John James (played by Costner) takes his two children to a little house in the country.  I sympathize, myself–I LIVE in a little house in the country and it can be plenty nice as long as you can deal with the sheer amount of boring involved and the crippling gas prices invoked to get a decent meal you didn’t cook yourself.  But anyway, when James and the James children reach the country, James’ daughter (Ivana Baquero) starts acting strangely, and the house experiences the run of bizarre events.  The elder James, meanwhile, suspects that a mound at the edge of the nearby forest has something to do with her bizarre behavior and if they use the phrase “Indian burial mound” anywhere in this movie I WILL throw popcorn at the screen.

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